My fertility struggle is taking the pleasure out of my sex life. What can I do?

Posted by & filed under Sex, Sperm, The Basics, The Journey.

Despite some early reports, fertility doesn’t improve if the female partner orgasms. Sex doesn’t have to be emotionally or physically satisfying in order to conceive. Sexuality and fertility don’t have to fit together at all.

But that doesn’t mean sexuality doesn’t matter.

Sexuality and fertility and, yes, love, are all mixed together for all of us.

If fertility is difficult, if your sex life is feeling stressful or unfulfilling, it can hurt your emotional well-being. It can hurt your relationship. It can hurt you.

For some couples, integrating your sexuality (your desires, preferences, and physical pleasure) into the process of trying to achieve pregnancy can make a big difference in the journey. Here are a few suggestions:

  • Find a fertility counsellor. These counsellors specialize in fertility issues and are familiar with the stresses involved, including on your sex life. Here’s a list of Toronto-based ones.
  • For women and their sexual partners — check out OMGYES. Based on a large-scale study of women (cisgendered), this modern website features thoughtful, graphic videos of sexual techniques that can elicit more pleasure, and assist you in reaching orgasm. It’ not a free service, but you can start with a free sample video to try it out.
  • For men — it can be touch to talk about, but sometimes the pressures of “making a baby” can overwhelm sexual desire. If you have concerns, consider starting here and reach out to us if you are interested in referrals. Many men will temporarily use Viagra, for example, to assist in the fertility setting. And don’t hesitate to seek therapeutic support: for many, the quantification of sperm at a fertility clinic (the detailed discussion of how many, or how few, sperm are present) can take a toll on sexual self-esteem. Of course, logically we know that sexuality and sperm counts are different things. But for many men, the two feel like one and the same. An experienced therapist can help you, and your partner, regain confidence.
  • Nowadays, many modern, independent sex shops offer educational courses and workshops led by professionals on sexual topics, including improving your sex life. While these events may not be geared specifically toward those trying to conceive, they can help you learn new techniques and approaches. These events also tend to be more LGBTQ-friendly.

Do you have other tips or resources? Feel free to share them in the comments.



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